Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Just Say Thank You and Shut Up

Angels among us.
To quote an over-quoted Charles Dickens, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”  

Holidays are always filled with hustle and bustle. While I usually refuse to settle into a hurried feeling of to-do lists and hoopla, this year I felt the anxiousness simmering, barely concealed beneath my skin. There were December birthdays to celebrate, gifts to buy, a house to decorate (I skipped making cookies this year. Who needs more sugar?), school concerts and church services and a few holiday parties to attend. Oh and there were two weeks of daily drives over mountain passes to finish up medical appointments for my son.

Somehow, in the midst of it all, I still managed to have fun, enjoy my family, a visit with my son’s delightful girlfriend, and the magic and meaning of the season. It was the best of times.

One day—the only day it snowed and obscured our drive on the way to the medical appointment...the same day I gripped the steering wheel so hard my fingers went numb...the same trip that took us almost an extra 40 minutes because I knew my little Toyota Corolla could skid like a hockey puck across the icy mountain roads if I wasn’t extra careful—we planned a shopping trip. It was just days before Christmas, and I hadn’t even bought anything for stockings yet, the one, real gift we give our kids. 

After rolling a sticky-wheeled cart around Target for a couple of hours, I managed to fill it with videos, cans of nuts, candy, make-up for my daughter, flashlights and novelties for my son, socks, lip balms, and random little fillers I thought might be fun, I pushed my cart to the line and waited my turn. I knew how much I could spend, and as I stood in line I did a mental calculation of the items, plus what I would need to buy for Christmas dinner. Our budget was tight this year. Medical expenses and multiple tanks of gas had stretched it to the limit. But we’d be all right.

Finally it was my turn and I unloaded all the items, glancing through them. Did I get my son enough? Would my daughter like those earrings? I still needed to pick up a few more things for my husband’s stocking. The checkout clerk cheerfully scanned each item and gave me a total. I gulped. It just seemed like so much for such silly stuff. I slid my debit card through the little scanning machine. Rejected. What? I even checked the balance with my husband before I left. We had plenty! I sighed, feeling the heat of bodies lined up behind me waiting their turn. 

“Let me try my charge card,” I said, totally embarrassed. Declined. That can’t be! I knew that was paid up. The cashier looked at me patiently. “I don’t understand,” I muttered trying yet another charge card.

“I’m sorry,” she said, almost as uncomfortable by now as I was, “That card's expired.” Great. I hadn’t put in the new card.

Another cashier came up and took a few people from our line. I was so embarrassed. “Never mind,” I muttered. “I’m not sure what’s going on. Just…I’ll leave it. I’m sorry. But thank you.” I walked away from the bagged items, my face hot, not meeting any eyes.

It was the worst of times.

“Ma’am?” the clerk called me back.

“Yes?” I said wishing she’d just let me walk away.

“These people behind you just paid for your purchase. You can take your bags.”

I’ve read about things like this happening. I’ve even wished I had the money to pay it forward like this before, but I’ve never had it actually happen to me. I was… horrified. Embarrassed. Mortified. “No, no,” I protested to the couple, probably both close to my age, the lady, a pretty blonde in a long, full-length fur coat. I had seen them in the store earlier as I was cruising aisles. With big grins they were filling several carts with Christmas goodies.

“It’s all right,” the lady said. “We are happy to do it.”

But I couldn’t let it rest. “No, no really. We are okay. We have the money. I just need to transfer it or something. I’m not sure why the cards didn’t go through.” Maybe if they had paid for needed groceries, or we truly were hurting for money, but this was just for bags full of trinkets and doo-dads for stockings. I couldn’t let them pay. They insisted. I wish I could say I was gracious and graceful. Although I thanked them profusely, I felt horrible inside. I wanted to crawl under a rock.

All the way home, I felt sick about being in a position of accepting charity;  for allowing someone to pay for our bags full of… stuff.  

As the day wore on, the reality of what had occurred and my ungracious response continued to sicken me. Slowly I realized I had to stop and adjust my attitude. Someone had wanted to gift us, to help alleviate my stress. They didn’t know we’d had a rough year with my son’s battle with cancer. They didn’t know our budget was tight. It didn’t matter. They wanted to do this, and I almost denied them their joy by allowing--let’s name it for what it is--my pride to ruin their gifting.

By the time I wrapped each little trinket to place in a stocking, I had softened and allowed the gratefulness and awe of what had happened to penetrate my heart. Being grateful--receiving--is, in my opinion, far more difficult than giving. I learned a tough lesson in humility, graciousness and gratefulness that afternoon. I hope they are lessons that won’t go unharvested. Although I trust this experience will remind me to pay it forward when an opportunity allows, I also hope it will teach me to recognize and name my pride more readily, and just learn to say thank you. And truly mean it.

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Thanks BlogHer for the feature of this article. I'm in good company in my need to learn how to be graciously grateful. 

55 comments:

  1. Oh, that would be so awkward and beautiful at the same time!! What a wonderful lesson learned huh? I really love your title, it grabbed me and uh...it is totally correct! Haha!
    Susie

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    1. Oh Susie, it was so hard for me. I really struggled with feeling, I don't know how else to say it, but horrified-- and then horrified at my response. Bah! I still struggle with the emotions of it, but am incredibly grateful for the gifting and heart it represented.

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  2. It IS the hardest thing to do.

    You are not alone. It's hard to swallow your pride, but at the same time? I am very grateful that people in this world do help each other out.

    A beautiful experience ... and I'm glad you shared it :)

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    1. I'd much rather have done the gifting, but truly believe there is lesson to be gleaned in even the hardest experiences. And as the month wore on, I came to see it helped out even more than I realize we needed. I like how you said it: people helping each other out. My turn next time!

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  3. What a beautiful thing - what a blessing from God. He delights in these special encounters, and you certainly had one. Don't let your first reaction continue to knock you over the head. Life is full of good things. And lessons. Wonderful lessons. 8-)

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    1. After I got over my bout of pride, I did marvel at the way God chooses to gift! Wow! :) Thanks for stopping by, as always.

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  4. Such a beautiful thing! Don't beat yourself up - they were happy to help and it was because you insisted that you really didn't need it that they felt even more blessed. Your reaction was real and humbling and they knew you're embarrassment. Brush it off - easy to say, and so hard to do, but that's because you care so much.
    Wishing you the best of everything this wonderful New Year!

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    1. Thanks, Yolanda. Yes, I hope they understood my heart despite my babbling and protestations. Yeesh! Thanks for the loving pat on the back. Happy New Year to you!!

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  5. Oh, so beautiful and wonderful a gift. And so hard to accept. I would feel exactly the same way, and I'm sure that they understood. Thank you for writing about this, and the wisdom you gained. Thank you for sharing the tough and the wonderful stuff. Thank you for being you. :)
    Wishing you health, joy, and complete healing for your son this new year!

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    1. Ack-- SO hard to accept, yes. God gifts us in ways we don't expect and, I believe, encourages us to be instruments of gifting as well. Pride-be-gone!

      Thank you for the thoughts of my son too. He received a clean scan early this month. I think the worst is behind us! :)

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  6. Being the receiver really is far more difficult than being the giver. I'm not sure when it happened, but sometime within the last few years, I learned this same lesson. You gave them a gift, Julie, one that they will look back on with fondness for the rest of their lives. I'm so glad you didn't deprive them of that happiness. :-)

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    1. Oh Jeff, it is difficult. And humbling. You are such a giving person, I'm so glad there were many around you this year to give back to you. I have to see the big picture and realize it is indeed a circle.

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  7. Love your writing and your honesty. A great reminder of the true meaning of acts of kindness.

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    1. It was astoundingly kind. I still feel squirmy inside when I think about it. Sure am enjoying your FB posts and pictures. You both are inspiring adventurers!

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  8. I totally understand your initial reaction and I would have felt the same way as well. It really is harder to receive than to give, but what a beautiful gesture on their part. And I'm sure by helping you out of a bind, you brightened their day. I'm so glad you shared this with us. (:

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    1. I wish I hadn't been so weird in my response and just been quietly thankful. I'm just...weird. It was very generous and really did help alleviate stress for us. Thanks for stopping by. :)

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  9. Julie:Beautiful story, and although those people don't know what you've been through with your family this year, God does, and he put those angels there to help you at just the right time! Happy New Year to you! :)

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    1. That's exactly how I had to look at it, and did eventually, Margo. Spot-on. Thanks.

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  10. I love this story, Julie - a true Christmas tale, told in a way that hooked me in and kept me reading. I'm still grappling with the fact that it's a true account and that strangers can be so generous. We do simply have to go with what life brings us and be thankful for the good bits. Glad you stopped wincing and managed to enjoyed the experience!

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    1. Hi Jenny- I grappled with it too! ;) I like your choice of word "wince". Yes, it did take me awhile to quit doing that.

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  11. This is a wonderful post, Julie, and a powerful lesson to all of us. Generosity and kindness don't need to be questioned, they just need to be acknowledged and appreciated.

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    1. Oh but I'm such a questioner! :) You're right. I'm learning-- very slowly.

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  12. I know what you mean about pride...I've felt that, too, in my "I can do it myself" attitude. But, we deny others their opportunity to serve and bless us when we don't accept their offers to help. I'm glad you allowed them, and I'm hoping your son is doing well...

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    1. Lisa, thanks for the thoughts for my son. He is doing very well-- done with all his treatments and ready to move on in life.

      And yes, I hope I'm in a position to pay it forward soon!

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  13. What a beautiful gift, not only of things, but of a wonderful realization. You turned your pride on its head and opened your heart. And that was the most beautiful of all. Thanks for sharing this great post!

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    1. Hi Ava (cute little picture!) Thanks for your kind words and pat on the back. I hope to be able to return the favor soon!

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  14. Aww, Julie, this is so sweet. Don't beat yourself up too badly, everyone is guilty of something like this at one point or another. One Christmas my mother sewed us all these wonderful pillow quilts and my brother and sister got cool, neutral patterns and mine was all these colorful cats with fish in their mouths. All I could think was that I was the crazy cat lady and my mom could tell I wasn't thrilled, though I should have been. She took it back and made me a different one, but all the love that went into that first one was spoiled by my lack of gratitude. We all do silly things around the holidays, the best part is we learn from these mistakes. That's how we grow!

    Love your blog, though it makes me cry :)

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    1. Oh but it's a very similar feeling, yes. And sometimes I can really chew on those negative feelings. Hope you have a great new yaer, Danyelle!

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  15. =) I've had a hard time learning how to accept help as well. My father was a do-it-yourself kind of person, and my mom a workaholic, so to accept anything I haven't worked for...well, it's taken a number of mental adjustments. Living in NYC did a number on me though, when a good friend who had absolutely no money wanted to give us something after my son was born and got us a dollar store baby blanket. I was humbled and grateful for her kindness. To say no would have broken her heart. It's a hard lesson, learning how to be served, but it's a necessary one.

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    1. Crystal, I think I got some of this from ethics I learned growing up as well. The story of the baby blanket is touching. Reminds me of a Bible story when rich men dropped showy handfuls into the temple collection and a poor widow dropped only a few pennies and Jesus asked who gave more? It was, of course, the heart he was seeing.

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  16. What a bee-YOO-tee-ful post, Julie. Both the story and the way it's written. You had me laughing, knowing the sheepish feeling of a card not working when you know it should. And joyful, at the selfless act of the others. Heck, I think I'm doing something when I let someone go ahead of me.

    Think of your giddiness when going around picking out the things for your kids. As you said, they were trinkets really, but filled you with happiness at the joy of giving. Those people felt the same way.

    Of course, be gracious, but also be thankful that there are people still out there like that in this evergrowing malevolent world.

    Loved this post. :)

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    1. It was an incredibly generous and surprising gift they gave us-- not just the monetary, but the love. I hope to return the love to someone else soon. Pay it forward (in fact, that's what they said as I was gushing in protests).

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  17. I really appreciated you sharing this story. Sometimes we like to think that everything plays out like a movie . . . person does nice thing pure of heart, it is received in the way it was intended . . . everything is perfect, etc. That's just not real life and you're coming to a different reaction AFTER processing the whole thing is much more realistic. (Because it was REAL!)

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    1. I was watching Undercover Boss and at the end, the boss who has been in disguise gifts the people he has worked with in some big, extravagant way. The people are almost always quietly weepy and thankful. But one time there was a gal who jumped off the stool she was seated on, squealed, knocked the stool over in the process and gave the boss a big hug. Yup, that's more me. I'd probably have tripped and stepped on his toe in the process.

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  18. Wow, I've totally done stuff like before (not being grateful I mean) it's a good reminder for all of us. I bet that lady was still happy to have paid for you! You can pay it forward with kindness :)

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    1. I hope I was appropriately thankful (I was!) in the midst of being thrown for a total loop. This month I'm having fun thinking of little ways to pay it forward. :)

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  19. Thanks for this Julie, I was right there with you as I read each word. God is awesome, nudging and blessing at the same time.

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    1. Joy, first, hugs. :) Second, God sometimes nudges; other times He just outright shoves. I think I may be a little more hard-headed than most. I didn't earn my childhood "Mulie Julie" nickname for nothin'.

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  20. What a great story to read to start the day! Thanks for sharing your experience; it made me tear up. I so need to hear that the world is full of kind, selfless people right now. They were angels to help you in a difficult time, and your honesty about your initial reaction toward them is something everyone has experienced on occasion. I'm glad your son's health has improved. Happy New Year to you!

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    1. Hi Dawn, thanks for stopping by and thank you for the lovely comment. I hope my attitude toward them was one of gratefulness; it's my own sense of pride, feeling humiliated that really shamed me and taught me the lesson. Yes and yes, there are good people in the world-- it does restore our faith, doesn't it?

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  21. This is such a heartwarming story! The problem with your credit card could've happened to anyone for any number of reasons. Once my card didn't go through, because the bank froze it after they mistakenly thought there was suspicious activity on it. How fortunate that the woman behind you wanted to save you an extra trip back to the store! I'm sure that she appreciated how gracious you were. A happy and healthy New Year to you, and your family!

    Julie

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    1. We never did find a logical reason the debit card wouldn't go through. This happened shortly after Target had it's fiasco with credit card security leak, so maybe it was something in their system. Unfortunately, the store was an hour way, no way I could have gone home and got it worked out. They were incredibly gracious to bail me out! I have had fun this month finding ways to "pay it forward".

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  22. Powerful story, Julie. At the core of it is why we should give unquestioningly and receive graciously. We're never too big to accept the kindness of others, or too little to give of our means and make a difference. Life is very harmonious in that way. :)

    It's hard to remember at times that giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin. Happy New Year, and thanks for sharing this.

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    1. This: "At the core of it is why we should give unquestioningly and receive graciously." Perfect, E.J. Thank you.

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  23. oh you sweet lovable thing you! I had someone do that for me several years ago during Christmas and bought my groceries. I did accept and plead the thank you's. sometimes you gotta just let people feel good for what they want to give others :)

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    1. Yes and that's the lesson I needed to learn. I wish I would have just been more quietly grateful. :) How nice that someone bought your groceries!

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  24. What a blessing! Yet, I totally understand how you reacted. I would have done the same thing. Why is it so hard in our culture to accept a gift with wide-eyed wonder, a hug and a "thank you so much"? You said it: Pride. Ugh. I'm sorry you had to wrestle with that. Goodness knows I do in all sorts of things. Here's to a year of learning to breathe and say thank you ... and leave it at that!

    Happy New Year!
    Jen

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    1. Jen, I so agree. Exactly what I need to learn. Here's to also hoping for opportunities to pay it forward in the coming year.

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  25. In the end, you gave them the gift of letting them do something for someone else. A lovely Christmas present for anyone.

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    1. I hope I didn't put a damper on their gift by my over-protesting. Yeesh. Lesson learned!

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  26. Hi Julie! I'm so behind in my blog reading that I just read this. What a beautiful Christmas Miracle kind-of-story, huh? These were my thoughts as I read....How thoughtful and generous the couple was, and that they obviously could afford it. Yes, it brought them great joy and I'm SO glad you accepted. There have been times in my (even recent) life, that I wished the person behind me in the grocery line might have noticed I was juggling pennies and digging deep into my purse to have enough cash for my purchase. And yes, I would accept a generous gift, knowing that I, too, would pay it forward when I could. AND the last thing is...You may have been saved from having your identity stolen because your card would NOT work that day! Win-Win situation!! Hugs ~~

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    1. Becky, I didn't know about the whole Target fiasco at the time, and I think it was just after all that came out, but yes, that occurred to me. And in fact, I've even wondered if that's why my card wouldn't go through-- if they were updating and working on their system. I don't know.

      I'm quite sure, had they offered to pay for everything, I would have said no. After all, it was mere trinkets and typical stocking stuffer "junk". But they just did it, so I couldn't refuse. Unfortunately, my thank you was effusive but not as gracious as I would have liked. Lesson learned.

      Hope you had a great holiday. I know you're busy promoting your book!

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  27. That was very kind of them. I'm also much worse at receiving than I am at giving, and yes, it comes down to pride quite often. I think I read something recently about what a big boost people get emotionally from doing good for others, so think of the gift you gave them in return.

    The Warrior Muse

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    1. Shannon, I think that's the view I had to ultimately take of it-- and is actually (as a testimony to how gracious they were) what they told me. Since then, I've been on the lookout for ways to pay it forward. :)

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