Thursday, March 27, 2014

Relationships: Putting it In Action

When we honestly ask which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. 
--Henri Nouwen



Last year, as our family faced a health crisis, I learned a lot about friendship. Some people avoided us, probably out of a sense of discomfort or not being sure what to say. No blaming-- it is difficult when, really, nothing said or done will make it all better. But other friends really rose to the occasion. Although many people attended to me, my friend Debbie stands out as a shining example of friendship in action. She sent gourmet food gifts to my son, and as any mom will tell you, "love my kids, love me". But she didn't stop there. She made sure I received cards and little gifts, just to let me know she was loving on and thinking of me.

When our drama and trauma was all over and we made it to the other side (with a happy ending), she even let me descend on her and her sweet family for a week of Florida sunshine and a healthy dose of restorative friendship. Poor lady. I think I talked her ear off about all kinds of stuff I had stored up inside me. And never once did she sigh and say, "Yeah, I think you told me all this before" (she had every right to, trust me).

As I contemplate the past year and think about the loving examples of friendship I've had in my life, I realize that friendship is seen and felt through love's actions. So what can we do to act in friendship? Over the years I've collected a few ideas, some I have learned through the grace of friends, others I have discovered, through the grace of God:

1. Notes:  This week I received a lovely bracelet made in Africa and a note from a friend who had just been there on a mission trip with her church (waves at Corinne). The bracelet is lovely, but the sweet note, her words of friendship, love, and encouragement brought me to tears-- no easy feat for me. There's something about handwriting and the time it takes, that speaks volumes to the heart.

2. Listening: Easier than it sounds. The tough part, I've learned, is listening without feeling like I have to fine-tune or correct or offer a solution.  I want to fix it for my friends, but that's rarely possible. Listening, sympathizing, and agreeing is usually all that's required or desired.

3. Small gifts: What is it about a gift card to a coffee shop or a pretty bookmark that perks a person up? It doesn't have to be anything expensive; it can be homemade, but a little present can really make a friend feel special.

4. Coffee or lunch: I have a friend who meets me for coffee every couple of weeks. We chat and sip talking about our kids, animals, aging, finances, and whatever else comes up. It's a lovely time together. I always leave feeling refreshed.

5. Walking: Another friend and I go for weekly walks, through ice, snow, and sunshine we get out and walk for an hour or so. Not only are we getting a little exercise, but we spend the entire time talking about all kinds of topics-- parents, marriage, faith, church, our town, trends-- whatever we want, really. I look forward to my weekly date with this sweet lady.

6. Do the unexpected. Once, a friend of mine was in a dispute with her sister. It turned nasty. All the handmade ceramic gifts that she had once given her sister were left, smashed, one-by-one, on her front stoop in brown paper bags. My friend was crushed. One morning, I got up early, bought her a pretty flowering plant, and put it in a brown bag in front of her door with a note: See, not all things left at your door are bad. She told me that when she first opened the door and saw the bag, her heart sank. But as she dared to open it, her hope was restored. It warmed my heart to know it made her smile.

7. Be there. Another time, a friend of mine called one late night and told me she was suicidal, and if she decided to take her own life, I was not to feel guilty. We hung up the phone, and I stared at it for a few minutes. Then I told my husband I was heading out for the night. I grabbed my sleeping bag and a toothbrush and drove to her house. When she answered the door, I sent her to bed to rest. "Go to bed. I'm cleaning your house and sleeping on the couch." I'm glad to say that over twenty years later, she is a lovely, active person enjoying life. At least for that night, she was under my watch and much too polite to follow through on her threat while I was there.

I think the common thread for all these ideas is time. When we invest time in our friendships-- whether through a phone call, visit, or jotting a note, we invest in the other person. There are so many things demanding our time, but few will reap the joy and satisfaction of a friendship.

What else would you add to the list to add action to friendship? Do you have any stories of acts you have done or others have done for you to encourage us and offer ideas? Let's go in blessings this week and be a friend. 

24 comments:

  1. Aww sweet tears!! Thank you my dear friend! Your kind words made my day!

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    1. Oh look! It's Debbie.. THE DEBBIE!!! Hugs.. thank you for being a friend. (Just started humming the Golden Girls theme song). Love you.

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  2. Great advice about helping a friend. I love your point about listening:

    "The tough part, I've learned, is listening without feeling like I have to fine-tune or correct or offer a solution. I want to fix it for my friends, but that's rarely possible. Listening, sympathizing, and agreeing is usually all that's required or desired."

    I really need to work on this.

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    1. Yeah. It comes from a place of love, I know that-- when it's offered or when I feel compelled to offer it. But it's not always what's needed or wanted. Glad to know I'm not alone in this.

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  3. One of things about the nature I was created with that makes living in this world both so wonderful and torturous for me is that everyone I meet (both in person and indirectly, as in over the phone or online) is instantly a very good friend to me until they prove otherwise. Needless to say, this sets me up for lots of anguish. For most people do not react well to someone acting so friendly when they first meet them, but I am still compelled to keep reaching out until they slam the door in my face (so to speak).

    I now know that I was created this way to make it easier for me to minister to those I am given to help, but knowing this has actually made rejection even harder to take. For I am not the only one being rejected when someone refuses to seriously consider the possibility that what I have been given to help them accept just might be something that they desperately need.

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    1. For me, as a P.W., I often felt very similar feelings. And for me, at any rate, it meant removing my "self" (ie ego) from the mix. When I see friendship as an offering, then I can take a step back from what I get back. However, having said that, I've also learned, as Jesus advised, to "shake the dust from my sandals" sometimes and move on. ;)

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  4. Wonderful advice you've listed here, Julie. I love being surprised by the power of friendship, the bond you can have with someone who isn't family, only to realize that they've become one regardless of the label. :)

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    1. Well said. So well said, in fact, I'm going to let it be. ;)

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  5. This was a wonderful post and I agree with all your advice. It is often the smallest things, a shoulder to cry on, a phone call or email that can mean the most. True friendship should be cherished.

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    1. I agree, Suzanne. I'm so fortunate to have so many good people in my life, but there are a few who are sisters to me. So thankful for them.

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  6. This is a wonderful post, Julie. I know it's difficult for a lot of folks to know what to do when the going gets tough for a friend or family member, but if they could learn to set their own discomfort aside, focus on the other person, and just be present for them, it would help so much.

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    1. The discomfort is big. Sometimes people would say awkward things when we'd see them in the grocery store and I'd have to remind my son, "they're trying to ask about you and just not sure how to do it." Most people mean well.

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    2. Great advice on friendship, and wow I need to hear this more often! It is something I have learned over the years to take time to listen to others and really understand what they are saying and going through. I still get in the way with my mouth... but like I said I am still learning how to be a good friend :)

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    3. You are a good friend, Steph-- glad life had our paths cross, even if for a short time.

      And yeah.. the mouth... sigh. Gets me in too much trouble. I need a backspace key . ;)

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  7. With notes, sometimes it can just be a Facebook message, a post you are tagged in on Facebook that your friend knows you will like, a text message, just anything to show a connection to the outside world. :)

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    1. Great suggestions-- I kind of glossed over the idea of online notes and contact, but they are some of the most meaningful for me on some days!

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  8. Great post. I find it's often the little things in life that make the biggest difference. Just showing someone that you're thinking about them goes a long way:)

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    1. It really does. Thanks for stopping by, Mark.

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  9. This is so wonderful and encouraging! I agree that small things make a huge difference. I've left notes and coffee gift cards in public places for "the next random person" to find it… and one time I happened to be in the area to witness the person's reaction. She said to a friend: "This is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time…" it was a $5 Starbucks card! You've inspired me to do something nice today, thank you :)

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    1. Ohhhh you know I totally left out the idea of anonymous acts of kindness-- I was so focused on relation-building, but yes, and yes again. Love this idea. Thank you.

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  10. This proves that your true friends really do come out in times of crisis. You are such a wonderful person for coming to your friend's aid when she was contemplating suicide. Because you are such a great friend, your dear friends are happy to return the favor. We can all use a Debbie in our lives, and I'm so grateful that I have one too. Julie, May you and your family continue to stay in good health.

    Julie

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    1. That happened a long time ago, Julie, before kids, when I had more freedom to just take off for a bit, but I'm glad the timing worked out (God's grace). I can tell, even from our online contact, you have the gift of friendship.

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  11. And then there's always Amazon Gift Cards. :D

    I was reading Julie (Monroe's) comment and it reminded me of the anonymous giving. When going through Mom's passing, I received an anonymous donation that was just what I needed at the time. Not the monetary part (although it was appreciated), but the feeling of someone simply saying, "You are loved. No strings. No return thank you. Just...I love you."

    Good post.

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    1. Yes! I thought of you, actually- the gift card and the movie. :)

      So glad people ministered to you too.

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